[ printable version ]

Raising a Datable Son2/1/2007

This is what every mother should’ve taught her son before he goes out on his first date! 

Teach him how to carry on a conversation.  Expose him to different people, different places, different foods and different experiences.  He'll be able to carry on a conversation with a woman and he can eventually ace the meeting with the future in-laws. 

Teach him how to buy his own clothes.  Take him shopping with you and show him what looks good together.   Learning about shopping and clothes will not make him gay.   If he’s going to be gay, the stork brought him that way!  If you arm him with shopping knowledge, he’ll look good on his dates, he’ll have the ability to pick out impressive gifts and he can eventually survive a daughter-in-law with very tacky taste! 

Teach your son to be generous with his family.  Make your son earn his allowance and then if he insists on ice cream after dinner, then let him buy it for the whole family.  Let him know that it does not matter if he makes minimum wage or if he’s a six-figure surgeon, he must always pay on the first date!  

Teach him that a real man doesn't expect handouts.  When your son gets invited to a playdate or sleepover, see to it that he’s got money to cover the cost of his own food and admission to the amusement park, ballgame or movie.   There’s nothing more pathetic than a man who comes up short when he gets the tab.   

Teach your son that he shouldn’t always wait until the last minute to ask a girl out!  He’s got to give her time to get herself together. Suppose she needs to buy a new dress or you want to take her to the mountains and  she needs some hiking boots?   Start with sons as young as four-years-old.  Let them help plan family outings.  Accept their suggestions sometimes and challenge your manchild to come up with new ideas.  By the time he is ready to start courting, he'll be prepared to put some thought into his dates. 

Teach him to always ring the lady’s doorbell or knock on her door if he’s picking his date up at her place.   

Teach him to know his place.   Inform him that his pants don’t always know best.   When a young lady tells him no, make it clear  that NO MEANS NO!  Teach him to respect women of all ages... especially the cougars.  He should know that when he’s man enough to go out copulating it means he’s man enough to financially and emotionally support a family!  

And finally, Teach him to care for his manhood!   Let him know that what’s behind the zipper should be kept clean and should be reserved for only the most special person.  With a deadly sexually transmitted disease like AIDS lurking between the sheets, he should know that his life depends on being selective and careful!   Here’s what you should say to your son.  Tell him to repeat it every morning when he’s admiring his naked self in the mirror:

"Wash it clean, air it good. 

Wipe the rim, check under the hood.

Wrap it tight or keep it where it belongs. 

And don’t fall for every willing sucker who comes along!"