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Predator Proofing Your Child8/31/2006

John Mark Karr dominated the national headlines for about a week. He’s the pedophile who thinks he murdered JonBenet Ramsey. The man is the definition of creepy.

  • He gives Americans a bad name!
  • He gives his family a bad name.
  • He gives teachers a bad name.
  • He even gives nerds who wear their pants too high a bad name.

He is every parent’s nightmare for very obvious reasons. So, how do you keep your child from becoming the next victim of a John Mark Karr or Mingles the Molesting Kiddie Clown?

I want to give every parent tips on how to make your child virtually "Predator Proof.” If you just say no to these eight things, you can rest assured that you did your very best to protect your kid.

  1. Just say no to make-up. Make-up is for grown-ups. Your six year old doesn’t need to wear make-up to school or to the grocery store. Little girls in make-up look creepy, not cute. Creepy attracts creepy! Little Chrissy has the rest of her life to paint her face. Protective pageant moms, dancer moms and child model moms save the mascara, blush and lipstick for the stage!
  2. Just say no to thongs! Your elementary, middle school or high school daughter does not need lingerie! No thongs! Some plain cotton panties will do just fine. Your boy-crazy 14 year old daughter will think twice before she shows them off to some boy. If your daughter insists on sexy undies, then it is time for the talk! It should be a lengthy talk about chastity belts! 
  3. Just say no to alcohol! Letting your kids and their friends drink illegally in your home doesn’t make you a cool mom, it makes you a criminal mom. Unless you want to be locked up in the cell between Martha Stewart and Big Mary, I suggest you keep your alcohol locked up. Liquor, beer and wine can encourage some bad decisions. Adults can get stupid after a few drinks so think about what that does to a child!
  4. Just say no to unsupervised internet time. One of Ramona’s friends has a sister who will not let her 5th grade daughter know the password to the family computer. When she wants to log-on, she has to get mommy! Check e-mails and don’t be afraid to peek over your son’s shoulder when he’s online. If your child acts like you do at work when you are supposed to be working, but you’re checking out ESPN.com instead, then you may have some trouble on your hands. You know how you try to keep your supervisor from seeing what is really on your screen!
  5. Just say no to T-M-I. Everybody knows that T-M-I means too much information, right? Well you have people who set up websites for their children with pictures and names and addresses! If T-M-I about your kid gets in the wrong hands, Michael Jackson could wind tricking your kid into climbing into his limo after staking out the school bus stop! 
  6. Just say no to T-L-I. T-L-I stands for too little information. If you aren’t 100% comfortable about little Chrissy’s uncle or the man little Kenny’s mom has been dating, then it is okay nix the sleep-over invitation until you can get more information. Other protective parents will forgive you for asking too many questions before the sleep-over. If the other parents get annoyed because you want to know more about their history and lifestyle then put a permanent ban on letting your child spend too much time with them. Invite their child over to your house! You may have to buy a little more food. You might even have to put up with a little more noise before bedtime. The alternative could be your child cuddling with Michael Jackson at Neverland Ranch. Safe and sound at your house is a much better idea.
  7. Just say no to body part baby talk. Teach your kids the real names for their private parts. If something does happen, you don’t want the police wasting precious investigation time trying to figure out what your child is talking about when they say,“that man touched my hoo-jee or my wah-wah!” 
  8. Just say no to creepy companions! Single moms need love too, but having a booty call with your baby in the cradle next to the bed is just out-and-out nasty! Don’t do it! Your new guy may be extra nice, but most adult men take no interest in bathing or dressing somebody else’s kid! There are a lot of adult men who take no interest in bathing or dressing their own kid. Remember to keep your "ho" activities in the hotel. Mommy is better off making out at Motel 6, than making out on the couch while the kids are distracted by a “Spongebob” D-V-D!